What's Left of Me
by Teddy R. Lupin
Summary: Remus Lupin has fallen prey to grief, anger, prejudice, and fear.  It's not his fault...that's just the way things are. Conversations and realizations between Remus and Tonks, from the time of James and Lily's deaths to that of Albus Dumbledore.  Canon.


Hey, I'm back! Did you miss me? *no response* Erm, that was awkward. Well, I know, I should probably be doing other stories/homework/whatever else, but I've been working on this for so long, and I finally finished tonight. I sprained my foot at hockey practice yesterday, and I'm completely pissed off now. I'm out of commission for two weeks. So I have more time to write, etc.

This one here is based on the song "What's Left of Me" by Nick Lachey. It follows Remus through his adult life as he grieves for those he has lost. It also follows the one he has left, when all else has fallen into darkness...including himself.

-HARRY POTTER-

**What's Left of Me**

-HARRY POTTER-

_**Watch my life pass me by  
In the rearview mirror  
Pictures frozen in time  
Are becoming clearer  
I don't wanna waste another day  
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes, yeah**_

The sun setting in the distance, Remus Lupin tore his eyes away from the blood-red sky, tears clouding his vision. He wiped his eyes and focused on a dusty, leather-bound book on the rickety excuse for a coffee table, which was all he could afford with the meager pay he received from the Leaky Cauldron.

He brushed light dust from the cover of the book and slowly opened to the first page, which held a photo of four boys…the first, with sandy brown hair and a scar across his face, nevertheless grinning, the second, with messy jet black hair and glasses, the third, with long black hair and a devious twinkle in his dark eyes, and the fourth, shorter than all the others, looking up at them with something similar to awe and adoration. Remus coughed and wiped his nose.

James was gone. Lily was gone. Peter was gone.

Sirius…was a traitor to them all.

_And there's absolutely nothing I could have done._

Not able to control what he thought was his anger, Remus slammed the album shut and spun on the spot, Apparating to the only home that held welcome for him any longer.

He shivered, knocking on the door to the home of Andromeda Tonks, nee Black…Sirius's only worthy living relative. She answered, immediately taking him in, despite everything, with a warm smile on her face.

"Tea, Remus?" He politely declined, feeling that he would be sick should anything enter his body. Andromeda silently sat beside him and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. For a moment, they said nothing, but then-

"How could he do it?" Remus said bitterly, his face contorted in fury. "How could Sirius-"

Andromeda remained silent as she watched the young man grieve, full of doubt, fear, and disbelief. "The Remus Lupin I know wouldn't just accept it," she decided on saying. He looked up, tears dripping from his nose.

"Accept what?"

"You don't believe that my cousin committed those murders," Andromeda said quietly. "I knew Sirius. He would never have-"

"I thought I knew him too, 'Dromeda," he muttered, his scarred face pale and wan.

"He loved Harry," she said as her last argument. "He never would have hurt the Potters."

"Voldemort-"

"_Don't_ say his name," said a quiet voice from the corner of the sitting room, where it turned to the kitchen. Ted Tonks crossed over to them, a pink-haired little girl trailing behind him.

"He's gone, Ted," Remus said, seething. "There's no reason to fear he who cannot harm us."

In an instant, Ted seemed to understand the meaning in the younger man's words and simply nodded in reply. The girl, on the other hand, changed her hair color to purple and rushed into Remus's arms, squealing his name.

"Hello to you too, Nymphadora," he said, a faint smile returning to his face. She grimaced, and her hair turned to red as she crossed her arms.

"Don't call me that," she said with a frown. "It's Tonks."

He smiled and ruffled her hair, which was cut short to her liking. "I wonder how your Mum and Dad feel about that, _Tonks_."

Andromeda gave him a look that clearly said, _drop it._ Ted nodded in exasperation and Remus smiled slightly.

"You're sad," the little girl said softly, crawling into the young man's lap and curling against his chest. "What happened?"

Remus frowned in thought, and finally chose to say, "Well…a very bad man killed my friends, Dora." He could tell that the very words frightened her, so he stroked her hair comfortingly. "But it's all okay now…we're safe. The bad wizard is gone now."

"Did you get him?" The first laugh uttered after James and Lily's death…came as a result of a six-year-old girl's innocence.

"No…" Remus answered honestly. "He was gone before I even got the chance. My friends' son…somehow…"

"Is he okay?"

"Yes." And the fact that he could say that…so plainly that it was the truth…gave the young werewolf some hope. "Yes…Harry is perfectly fine."

"Oh," Dora said, snuggling deeper into Remus's chest. "Good."

And despite himself, Remus Lupin smiled, knowing that there was some good left in the world…the next generation of witches and wizards would bring light back to Britain's Wizarding World.

'_**Cause I want you, and I feel you  
Crawling underneath my skin  
Like a hunger, like a burnin  
To find the place I've never been  
Now I'm broken and I'm fading  
I'm half the man I thought I would be  
But you can have what's left of me**_

"Oh…bugger…" Remus heard the young witch who had knocked over the umbrella stand curse under her breath, and he smiled slightly as he headed from the kitchen to help her up. And when he saw her…his breath caught in his throat as he found himself staring at her vivid blue eyes and purple hair. He did a double take. Purple hair?

"Nymphadora?"

The witch spun angrily at the mention of her first name, and Remus chuckled. It was her, all right.

"How d'you-" But she found herself lost in the man's grey eyes, disbelief gracing her beautiful features. "Remus?" He smiled gently, and her eyebrows narrowed. "Don't call me Nymphadora." Remus laughed silently to himself. So the girl really hadn't changed much, after all.

"You're here," he stated, otherwise at a loss for words. "And you're…"

She raised her eyebrows at him. "Older?"

"An Auror," the werewolf hurriedly covered up. "Brilliant, Nymphadora." He gestured to the umbrella stand. "Still clumsy, I see."

Tonks glared at him again, for the use of her full name as well as teasing her for her clumsiness. "I haven't seen you since…"

He smiled sadly. "I know," was his response. "I've been…"

"Busy?" the young Auror suggested, raising an eyebrow. "Bloody git. I haven't seen you since before I started school."

"You were getting older, and I didn't want you to…" Remus frowned slightly and folded his arms across his thin chest. "When you were young, you hadn't known of my…condition. As you grew, I just…I was a coward, and I didn't want you to be brought down by what society thinks of me."

Tonks was silent for a moment before huffing. "You complete arse, Remus Lupin," she muttered, and not waiting for approval, rushed into his arms. She caught him completely off guard, nearly knocking him off his feet.

Relief washed over the werewolf and he sank into her firm embrace as he held her tightly. No longer was she the little girl who would sit in his lap and curl up for a nap, but at least…they could have this.

When the world outside was destroying itself…at least they could have this.

_**I've been dying inside  
Little by little  
Nowhere to go but going out of my mind  
An endless circle  
Running from myself until  
You gave me a reason for standing still**_

Remus cautiously opened the door to Number 12, Grimmauld Place, knowing that the realization that his one remaining friend…Sirius Black…would be gone. Gone forever.

He could no longer hide behind the memories of the past, or what he hoped he would see once again. James, Lily…now Sirius…an innocent man, condemned to a life of hell in Azkaban, only to hide away, his identity remaining that of a Death Eater.

Now Sirius would never again get the chance to see his godson, Harry, grow up. He would never sit in his old armchair at Grimmauld Place, calmly waiting for the Order members to arrive for the meeting, and he could finally have company once again.

He was gone.

Dead.

Murdered.

Remus was startled as he heard muffled sniffles coming from the sitting room, and he closed his eyes in sadness. He headed towards the noise in the otherwise silent ancestral Black home.

"Nymphadora," he said quietly, placing a hand on the back of what he recognized to be Sirius's old armchair. He moved to sit in the chair beside her, but she looked up and gave him a watery smile.

"Remus," she said hoarsely. "Why are you here?"

"The Order has vacated the premises," Remus said gently. "It's not safe here."

"Voldemort's out in the open," Tonks said, hiccupping. "Nowhere is safe anymore."

He smiled sadly, regret creeping into his expression. "True enough," he said, "But even so. We don't want to lose anyone else, Nymphadora."

Her eyes were red and puffy, but she glared at Remus with a ferocity that surprised him. "Nothing's changed. If you say my name, I will-"

"-Hex me into oblivion," Remus repeated, a small smile teasing her. "I know." He considered her expression for a moment, then said, "I really don't know what you dislike about it." He tentatively reached out and brushed his fingers across hers, the look on his face one of hesitancy and almost fear. "I think it's beautiful." Tonks looked up, her eyes wide.

"Remus…" she breathed.

"It suits you," he said quietly. He jerked his hand away from hers, but she reached out and claimed it for her own.

"Don't stop," she whispered. "Please, don't." Remus gently pulled her out of the armchair, and she wiped a stray tear away from her eye. She simply walked into his arms, laying her head upon his chest, dampening his threadbare jumper. He swallowed his own tears that he had been denying himself since he had seen Sirius fall through the arch, merely days ago.

"I know it's hard," he breathed into her ear, rocking her thin, shaking figure, holding onto her tightly. "I know…I miss him too."

"Remus…please stay with me," she said softly, her trembling hands desperately grasping his shabby overcoat.

"Nymphadora-"

"Please, just for once…don't argue with me." And Remus looked at her vivid blue irises, rimmed with the red and the shadows that told him that she hadn't slept since the battle at the Ministry. With everything considered…he didn't have the heart to leave.

Her eyes stared up into his, filled with grief, but also…with some obscure sense of hope that Remus, for the life of him, just could not figure out. "All right," he said quietly. "I'll stay."

But even after he spoke, Tonks's eyes remained fixed upon his. "Remus, I…" She looked away, tears in her eyes once more.

"What?"

"I…never mind," she whispered, burying her face in his robes even deeper.

"You can tell me anything," he assured her, comfortingly running his calloused hands across her back as she held onto him tightly.

"It's just a bunch of rubbish compared to V-Voldemort," Tonks said hoarsely. "You'll think I'm shallow." Remus frowned, and he cupped her cheek with his other hand. She leaned into it, trying to stop her tears from falling.

"I could never think that of you, Nymphadora," he said simply, his grey irises boring into her vivid blue. He brushed a tear away from her pale face, and he felt her muscles tense. Remus quickly withdrew his hand, looking stricken. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head, guiding his hand back to the spot it had vacated. "Don't be," she said, he voice quiet. He traced the shadows under her eyes, sadness winding its way into his heart again.

"You haven't slept," Remus said gently. Tonks silently shook her head, and he smoothed out some of her mousy brown hair. "You can't live like this," he whispered sadly. "What would Sirius have wanted for you?"

"Not this," was her answer, the one that he knew she would give. "Just…not this." Her bright yet diminishing irises continued to keep their hold upon his, and in the flash of a moment…it didn't matter that there was a war to be fought. It didn't matter that he was thirteen years her senior. It didn't matter that he was an outcast…because in her eyes, he was everything.

Remus was a hero, a friend…and maybe more?

"Tonks…" he breathed, his voice appearing shattered. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and gently fingered the ragged collar of his robes. "Listen…" He attempted to break free of her grasp, ashamed, but she firmly held on. "You deserve more than the likes of me."

She raised her eyebrows "The_ likes_ of you?" Tonks asked incredulously, almost glaring at the man in front of her. "Remus, you cannot just stand here with that look in your eyes and say you feel nothing."

Filled with grief for his oldest friend, irritation because of the upcoming full moon, and something close to fear for the war that was surely coming, the brown-haired werewolf lashed out at the young Auror. "Maybe I feel a bit too much!"

Eyes widening as he realized what he said, Remus turned to leave, forgetting why he had returned to Grimmauld Place anyway.

Memories were too vivid. He had just been given his friend back, only to have him stolen once more…this time, forever. But before he could close the door and Apparate to a place so far away that no one could find him in the state he felt was in, the gentlest of hands grasped his wrist.

He turned, his grey eyes ablaze with fiery anger. "What?"

"Kiss me," was the only thing she said. Her eyes were slightly narrowed, but she was mostly studying Remus with mild curiosity.

His eyes were wide as he raised his eyebrows, and Remus was sure, had he been drinking butterbeer, he would have spilled it down his front. "Pardon me?"

"I said, _'kiss me'_," Tonks repeated evenly, taking his hand and slowly leading him back into the sitting room. There was a faint hungry glare in her vivid blue irises that now only held a hint of the grief Remus knew she was feeling for her cousin. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and ran it down the length of her arm, his hand trembling.

Tonks's eyes fluttered closed as Remus's hand found her waist and drew her to him, slowly pressing his lips to hers. He felt her legs give out, and he steadied her thin frame as she responded with surprising fervor. Remus felt his own eyes slide closed against his will as the kiss deepened…

_**And I want you, and I feel you  
Crawling underneath my skin  
Like a hunger, like a burnin  
To find the place I've never been  
Now I'm broken, and I'm fading  
I'm half the man I thought I would be  
But you can have what's left of me**_

"Now isn't the best time, Nymphadora," Remus said quietly, avoiding her penetrating glare. "Dumbledore is…" His voice hitched, and he broke off, blankly staring at the mountains in the distance, as if they would provide comfort for those who were lucky enough to still be alive…if only for a moment longer.

"It's not over, Remus," she breathed, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. "There's still hope."

"What hope?" He wiped a tear from his cheek as he attempted to brush her hand away from him. "Without Albus…"

"We have Harry," she whispered, rubbing her hands down his back soothingly, though her bright blue eyes were glistening with tears.

"Harry is just as lost as the rest of us," the werewolf said sadly, his brown hair that was flecked with grey only slightly blowing in the subtle wind. "We all trusted…" He coughed, his body shaking. "We trusted Snape." His voice changed from a gentle tone to a low growl. "Believing that he was sorry that James was dead…Albus couldn't have been that thick."

"Remus…" Tonks's hair remained a mousy brown, dried blood resting on her forehead, from a cut on her arm.

"Dumbledore worked to make life better for…people like me." He gripped the cold, uninviting railing as he stared into the distance again. "Now that he's gone…who will Voldemort fear? Who is there to stop him from turning Hogwarts into a school for nothing but the Dark Arts?"

He turned to look at her again, his lined face one of despair. Gently, she reached up and stroked his cheek, and he did not pull away. She wiped a tear from his eye and whispered, "If you think that way…then he has already won."

"Then he has won," Remus said, placing a hand over hers.

"You mustn't believe that," Tonks said fiercely, a fire in her vivid blue irises. "Remus John Lupin, listen to me."

And he raised a curious eyebrow that lacked in energy, as if he was resigned to listening to the young Metamorphmagus. She swallowed, walking closer to him. Remus briefly considered taking a step back, but something in her eyes wouldn't let him.

"There is _always_ hope." With those four simple words, a smile flitted across his solemn, tear-stained face. "Always remember that." He nodded silently, removing her hand and grasping it.

Brushing a hand across her forehead, Remus sighed heavily. Without directly looking at her, he tried silently to consider his options. But after a fair few minutes of not thinking straight, he simply gathered Tonks into his arms. She said nothing, but held onto his robes tightly, afraid to let him go. His eyes slid shut, and he buried his scarred face in the crook of her neck. He breathed against her neck, and felt her squirm in his hold. He tensed for a moment, before she whispered "Shh" into his ear and ran her fingers through his thin hair comfortingly.

He slightly moved away from her, his grey eyes warm and inviting, yet almost scared and unsure. Tonks's hand dropped down to his neck, and Remus looked away, his head bowed. Carefully, the Metamorphmagus asked, "Remus, what is it?"

The werewolf said nothing, merely stared at his scuffed shoes. She slowly lifted his chin, and could see hidden pain in his eyes. He looked at her, as if begging her to understand.

And before his better judgment and reason could command that he follow his head instead of his heart, Remus felt his lips on hers, claiming her for his own, as if his year of refusing her had only been one very vivid nightmare. Tonks leaned into the kiss as it grew deeper, allowing Remus to pour his grief for James, Lily, Sirius, and Dumbledore into the passion of the embrace. After breaking apart, Remus frowned slightly at the young woman's beaming heart-shaped face and miraculously returned bubblegum-pink hair. "I'm afraid I can't offer much," he said warily, but even as he spoke, he could feel his resolve crumbling. "And I may not be young and whole as you deserve." He looked up, and she was wearing a confused expression on her beautiful, vibrant face. His own twisted into a soft smile. "But you can have what's left of me."

_**Falling faster, barely breathing  
Give me something to believe in  
Tell me it's not all in my head  
Take what's left of this man  
Make me whole once again**_

'_**Cause I want you, and I feel you  
Crawling underneath my skin  
Like a hunger, like a burnin  
To find the place I've never been  
Now I'm broken, and I'm fading  
I'm half the man I thought I would be  
But you can have all that's left, yeah, yeah  
What's left of me**_

_**I've been dying inside you see  
I'm going out of my mind, out of my mind  
I'm just running in circles all the time  
Will you take what's left  
Will you take what's left  
Will you take what's left of me?**_

_**Just running circles in my mind  
Will you take what's left  
Will you take what's left  
Will you take what's left of me?  
Take what's left of me**_

The End.

-HARRY POTTER-

How was it? I think that I do the angst thing too much, but this was basically how I imagined most of it. I was going to go on to their wedding, and Teddy, and other stuff, but I found it more appropriate to end it at the actual start of the relationship. I may do a follow-up piece/sequel type, if I get enough reviews.

Please leave me a review to tell me how I did, or even just to say "Hi, how're you doing?"

Teddy R. Lupin, the recently crippled Metamorphmagus :/


End file.
